For years I refused to take medication. Mostly, I think my apprehension stems from watching my mother’s relationship with medication. She was diagnosed with bi-polar after a suicide attempt and has been on a cocktail of medication. What I think scared me the most was the fact that I can always tell when she doesn’t take her medication. She’s like a different person and to me, it’s a terrifying notion that one tiny pill has such a significant control on your mood and behavior. Obviously, she’s better on her medication and the results are positive–but the idea that she will need to be on this medication probably for the rest of her life was just a little hard for me to swallow (Get it? hehe cheesy pun definitely intended.) I also think that part of me is a hippie at heart. I’ve always been advocate for alternative medicine–herbs, meditation, acupuncture–whatever way we can heal our bodies in a natural way. I still laugh a little bit when those medication commercials for antidepressants come on showing some lady on a boat staring off into the sunset, now able to live a happy life free from depression while a voice over is talking about the possible negative side effects of the meds.
This medication may cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, fatigue, stroke, sexual dysfunction, weight gain, internal bleeding, blindness and possible growth of a third eye or an extra nipple…(sorry, I may have stretched the truth there for emphasis.).
Point being, why pump your body full of chemicals and risk all of that shit when the medication may not even work?
I think it’s because sometimes “the reward” (so to speak) is worth the risks. For the past two years I tried a variety of different medications desperate for something to make me feel better. I had tried all of the other alternatives which helped me manage the depression a little, but it was still to great a burden to bear alone. I started off with Pristiq, then Celexa, then Lexapro, then Prozac… They all worked for a little bit and definitely came with some side effects including weight gain. I’m not going to lie, it was fucking frustrating trying to find something that worked. I was going to a nurse practitioner, and in hindsight, I probably should have tried to find someone who specialized in women’s mental health issues like I have now. I was honestly ready to give up on medication until I went into the day program and ultimately had my PMDD diagnosis in conjunction with clinical depression. The doc there was incredible and actually LISTENED to my concerns, especially my fear of trying any other medication that could cause more weight gain. The combo of Wellbutrin and Celexa I’m on now has made an INCREDIBLE difference.
Moral of the story here: with your mental health, sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to if it means getting better. If I’m being 100% honest (which I think you know by now I don’t hold anything back), having to depend on medication still isn’t something I love–but I’m learning to live with it. All part of the soul mending journey, right?
Lots of love, my beautiful souls!